Spicy

Yes, Thai food is spicy. Aside from the delicious spicy Thai dish pictured above, this post has nothing to do with that topic as it is not really interesting to 99% of the people reading this blog.

So remember when I said bars close at 2AM here and I'm trying to find an after hours place to go...? Well, I found it during my non-posting, drinking binge. Spicy is a grimy club that the police allow to stay open after 2AM, for reasons unknown (although I'm pretty sure the reason has something to do with the fact that they pay off the corrupt po-po).

I have been avoiding talking about my night there quite a few weeks ago for two reasons: 1) because I don't remember much of it and 2) because I am trying to black out of my mind certain events that transpired that were not already erased by alcohol.

The club is one large, dark, dirty rectangular room with lots of tables in the middle and a big bar spanning the left hand side. The only lights come from neon behind the bar and a few flood lights that light up parts of the dance floor. It is filled with a mixture of farang dudes, prostitutes, lady boys, and Thai slewts. I'm guessing they make it very dark on purpose so it is hard to tell the difference.

Anyway, I won't share too many details but I went there quite inebriated and had a little too much fun with a few girls...no lady boys...although one of them may or may not have had large gums...I like to call her Gumby. I ended up leaving the club at 5:30 (I think), got in a car with these two girls and drove off toward a destination still unknown to me. By the way the fact that they have a car means they are not prostitutes. That is one way I have found to distinguish girls here.

Apparently events transpired in the car and I ended up arguing with these girls. This argument culminated in me exiting the car in the middle of 6AM Bangkok traffic. I ended up stumbling around the streets of Bangkok as the sun rose with no money...I finally found a cab and an atm after about 45 minutes of walking the wrong way, and got home at 7AM on Friday morning. I proceeded to sleep through that morning of work in which I had a meeting with some important executive. Luckily I woke up by 12:30, just in time for lunch.

All in all it was a pretty awful experience but also pretty funny because the other guys I was there with have similar stories. I will probably not be going back anytime soon. Although that's what I said about the ping pong show...

What I have been up to While Not Posting

- drinking my liver into oblivion
- eating a lot of spicy food
- shitting my brains out
- eating more spicy food
- hanging out with various people who inspire me to drink myself into oblivion
- going to a second (and final) ping pong show...never again
- getting harassed by Kathoey (ladyboys) - "herrroo where yu com from?"
- meeting girls whom I cannot discern if they are prostitutes, con artists, or even girls
- going to traditional Thai clubs where hot asian girl dancers down whiskey like 300lb hicks from Kentucky...but on a stage in a sexy outfit
- working a lot
- making fun of random Thai people
- watching a Thai boxing match - sick
- pretending to understand what Thai girls are saying to me when in a club with the music at unnaturally high asian-levels
- pretending to understand what Thai girls are saying to me when in a normal quiet setting...all I hear is "Ca Ca Ca I'm a crow"
- getting stared at by all of the asian girl-, gay guy-, and lady boy-workers at the massively overstaffed mall department stores
- making fun of said workers when they say they want me to look at something and I say random things like "chicken wing?" just to confuse them
- buying 2 custom suits, 6 shirts, and 4 ties for very cheap - baller
- planning a trip to Vietnam and Cambodia
- drinking
- eating bomb ass street food for less than a dollar a dish
- saluting the security guard who snaps to attention every time I walk outside of my serviced apartment building
- going to an ultra hip club called "bed superclub" that has models night on wednesdays
- eating hot fried chicken wings from MACdonalds (with spicy Thai sauce on the side)
- listening to the same old fucking music because I have not had the energy to look for new stuff recently
- meeting with government officials and Thai executives
- harassing poor taxi drivers when blacked out
- getting ripped off by asshole taxi drivers who charge me the "farang price" ie triple the normal price
- drinking

Ping Pong Will Never Be the Same

The other night I attended my first "tiger show." Of all of the things unholy I have seen in my life...I would say everything that went down during the show ends up in the top 20. Here's a list of what this woman did with her hooha:

- pulled out a 15 foot long ribbon (obviously just warming up here)
- shoved a large block of ice in, slammed down on the ground and plopped some cubes out in a glass
- loaded darts in, inserted metal tube and proceeded to shoot and pop balloons 10 ft away
- blew out candles on a birthday cake
- smoked a cigarette
- poured water in and poured coca cola back out
- shot ping pong balls out across the stage

This show was more on the scientific side than the sexy. If there hadn't been horrible asian techno playing, a tacky stage complete with the hood of a mustang sticking out from behind the curtains, a plethora of ugly naked dancing girls, and lady boys pining for a verginer of their own, I would have sworn I was in a laboratory.

At the end of the night I could just barely count on one hand the amount of times my junk was grabbed by either a lady boy or a very old ugly Thai lady (2 and 2).

In the process of looking for a demonstration of the aforementioned ping pong show, I came across this awesome Thai ad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRsZF3Y7x1w

One Week In Asia

I have never been to Asia before aside from the short trip to Manila/Boracay for training for this job. I don't count that because I was ushered around by Filipinos everywhere and had a very structured schedule. Bangkok has been quite the introduction to Asia...Like a swift kick to my worldly nuts.

This place is pretty much everything you can imagine times 10. Food/drinks/cigarettes are all dirt cheap, especially after coming from the Euro zone. Massage parlors and blatantly obvious whore houses can be found on pretty much any street...especially close to where I live in th sukhumvit (business/farang district). Taxis cost a measly average of 80 ($2.50) baht to go almost anywhere in the city (although you are going nowhere fast due to the fucking ridiculous traffic). Food stalls/street food vendors are everywhere and elephants are not uncommon to see walking around the city adding to the smell of an already stank ass city.

Not only is everything cheap but most of it is good. The food is the shit and I don't see myself getting sick of it that easily. I have eaten nothing but extremely spicy Thai and Chinese food since getting here and if anything I just crave more. The fact that it costs 2 bucks per meal might be a big factor in it tasting delicious.

The bars and clubs are cool so far although they are legally required to shut at 2am. I am currently trying to find after hours places to get around that law...judging by our journey all around the city looking for an after hours place last night...which ended in myself and two of my companions getting in a huge argument with our cab driver and the police being called...it doesn't look like that will be easy.

Basically, I am rich here. My apartment and phone bill are paid for. I get $40 a day for a per diem which is more than enough to live off of and probably even travel on (I'll basically be saving my entire salary and commission). I plan to live lavishly here though.

To sum it up, this city is organized chaos, which coincidentally is my middle name...actually it's not...it's Patrick.

Soi Cowboy - down the street from me. One of many red light districts.
I don't frequent it but it's nice to stroll down the street and be bombarded by 50 Thai prostitutes trying to grab you and entice you in for a "ping pong show"

Ciao Milano...Ciao Bangkok

I just got in to Bangkok this evening. It is basically the same as Milan...not much to report.

That is what I would be saying if this were opposite day. It is actually quite different.

I had some spicy chicken for dinner (at an Irish pub) and drank a few beers with my new coworkers. The total price came to about the same dollar equivalent as if I had one beer in Milan.

My apartment is a pimped out serviced apartment for business travelers. It gets cleaned every week and there is a 24 hour concierge. There is also a pool and gym. I can get a massage in my room for 300 baht/hour (under 10 dollars).

Now I just need to learn how to speak the language here like I did in Italy. My repertoire consisted of ciao (hello/goodbye: utilized expertly above), grazie (thank you) prego (please/youre welcome) and tolio ti lemontondo (take off your underwear).

I think if I can get those down in Thai I'll be able to get around just as easily as Italy, but for way cheaper.

More Pics of Me Riding in Como

These were really tough to capture. I had to put my camera on a tripod and time them just right.

Check out my power slide technique...

Look How Cool I Am

I finally got to rent a motorcycle this past holiday weekend in Italy. Since my old plans were foiled before (partially due to me being and idiot and partially due to Italians being lazy), this was my last chance to hit the road Tom Cruise in Top Gun style (Since I obviously model my life after Maverick).

Last Thursday was the European Labor (read communist) Day. As with the US, since Thursday was a holiday, Friday turned into a de facto holiday which was also pretty sweet. I spent all day Thursday riding around the towns of Como. Here are some pictures:

I stopped in a lovely town called "Faggeto"

Old Italian woman butchered this pic with her finger. But I shine through.

Friday I got up early and cruised around the outskirts of Milan. When all was said and done I spent a cool 200 euro but it was well worth it.

I will get myself out of debt in Thailand when I attempt to live on a dollar a day like the locals.