Poland

I'm going there this weekend. Warsaw to be specific. It should be sweet because I'll have a bunch of friends there and because of this.

I'm wearing my best Abercrombie clothing all weekend.

Vacation Plans

Once a year from mid-December until mid-January I get time off from my job (unpaid). Thanks shitty fake scam company! It's like I get spring break again but I'm grown up and I have money (for now). So for anyone who is interested, these are my plans.

December 20 - I fly into DC very late at night. I am most likely going to go straight to the bar and get drunk (if I'm not dead from my flight), hopefully with lots of people I want to see. I will be home from December 20 - January 1. If you are around let me know somehow. I won't have a phone so email or facebook would be a good way.

January 1st I leave again and return to Asia for some traveling before another "summit" in Boracay, Philippines.

My rough itinerary for January is:

Jan 1 - fly from DC to Seoul, Korea
Jan 6 - Seoul, Korea to Shanghai, China
Jan 9 - Shanghai, China to Hong Kong...hong kong?
Jan 12 - Hong Kong to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Jan 16 - Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia to Manila, Philippines

I'm hanging out with my buddy who is teaching English in Korea first, then meeting up with my two good friends in the company from Shanghai on so it should be a mildly entertaining trip.

The "company" "summit" (I put both in quotes intentionally) will involve me and all of my coworkers aged 22 - 28 getting fucked up every night in paradise. A lot of these employees are Filipinos (or Flips/Filos as I affectionately and racistly call them) who are "high society" there. They all have more money and servants than God and they only hang out with models and coke dealers so it should be fun.

Actually I think it's a fact that every girl in high society Philippines is or was a model...looks don't really count. In fact, the girl I'm working with next project in Austria is one of these Filo models.

After a week in paradise I leave for cold ass boring ass Vienna for four months where I will try not to get imprisoned, raped, and impregnated against my will.

Dutch/American History Lesson

Did you know Martin Van Buren, The United States' 8th president, was the only president to not speak English as a first language? Did you care? Me neither. But read about it anyway from Wikipedia:

Martin Van Buren (December 5, 1782 – July 24, 1862) was the eighth President of the United States from 1837 to 1841. Before his presidency, he served as the eighth Vice President (1833-1837) and the 10th Secretary of State under Andrew Jackson. He was a key organizer of the Democratic Party, a dominant figure in the Second Party System, and the first president who was not of British (i.e. English, Welsh or Scottish) or Irish descent. He was the first president to be born an American citizen^[2] (his predecessors were born before the revolution); he is also the only president not to have spoken English as a first language, having grown up speaking Dutch.^[3]

Another fun fact involving Martin Van Buren from Wikipedia:

In a popular episode of Seinfeld entitled "The Van Buren Boys," Kramer and George are threatened by a street gang called the Van Buren Boys with the secret sign of the number 8 because Van Buren was the 8th president. They apparently picked that name because Van Buren was the man they most admired. The gang is apparently "every bit as mean as he was".

And even more about the history of the Dutch in America! Weeee!

The Dutch had settled in America long before the establishment of the United States of America.^{[nb 18]} For a long time the Dutch lived in Dutch colonies, owned and regulated by the Dutch Republic, which later became part of the Thirteen Colonies. Nevertheless, many Dutch communities remained virtually isolated towards the rest of America up until the American Civil War, in which the Dutch fought for the North and adopted many American ways.^[94]

Most future waves of Dutch immigrants were quickly assimilated. There have been three American presidents of Dutch descent: Martin van Buren (8th, first president who was not of British descent, first language was Dutch), Franklin D. Roosevelt (32nd, elected to four terms in office, he served from 1933 to 1945, the only U.S. president to have served more than two terms) and Theodore Roosevelt (26th).

Thank you Dutch people. Those are actually relatively decent presidents.

And now history about New York, or Nieuw Amsterdam as it used to be called in the 17th century:

On August 27, 1664, in a surprise incursion when England and the Dutch Republic were at peace, four English frigates sailed in New Amsterdam’s harbor and demanded New Netherland’s surrender, whereupon New Netherland was provisionally ceded by director-general Peter Stuyvesant. This resulted in the Second Anglo-Dutch War, between England and the Dutch Republic.

In 1667, the Dutch did not press their claims on New Netherland (but did not relinquish them either) in the Treaty of Breda, in return for an exchange with the tiny Island of Run in North Maluku, rich in nutmegs and the guarantee for the factual possession of Suriname, that year captured by them. The New Amsterdam city was subsequently renamed New York, after the Duke of York (later King James II) — brother of the English King Charles II — who had been granted the lands with the kingly stroke of an armchair pen (similar to the Spanish claim to the entire western hemisphere).

However, in the Third Anglo-Dutch War, the Dutch recaptured New Netherland in August 1673 and installed Anthony Colve as New Netherland's first Governor (previously there had only been West India Company Directors), and the city was renamed "New Orange". After the signing of the Treaty of Westminster in November 1674 the city was relinquished to English rule and the name reverted to "New York"; Suriname became an official Dutch possession in return.

Talk about getting fucked. New York for Suriname? I bet you can't even name the bordering countries of Suriname. You're an idiot. Much like the Dutch guy who signed the treaty.

I've actually come across a lot of Dutch people who claim that if they hadn't lost New York that the world would be speaking Dutch instead of English as an international language. Well dream on Dutch-bags. No one wants to hock hard G's all over the place.

As a Japanese businessman in Holland told me in my first week here: "ahhhsooo I think ah you must have cricket in your throat to speak ah Dutch." And as with everything I have ever been told by the numerous Japanese guys I have met with on this job, it was true.

Change of Plans

I'm moving to Vienna, Austria in January. My company nixed Moscow when they realized that Russia is being raped by the credit crisis/low oil prices/various wars. I was super pumped about Russia and I can't say the same thing for Austria.

See here, here, and here for reasons why Austria might blow.

On the plus side Austria is where the film The Sound of Music was filmed. Yay.

At least I will be able to get back into snowboarding.

Amsterdam By Boat

I mentioned before that the best way to see Amsterdam is by boat. On one crisp fall day I decided to hit the canals and take some pictures on my vessel.

Here is a step by step guide for a guaranteed good time on the rough waters of the Dam.

Step 1: openly mock gang of cycling tourists on your way to your boat. Nice bike guy! Does it come in mens?

Step 2: Bail out boat from underneath junkie piss and sewage water. Clean dirty leaves off of boat while your friend expresses his inner desire to give you a good rogering.

Step 3: Start motor after 30 minutes of furious pulling on lawn mower string. Set off under the first of many underpasses and tunnels. Watch out for pigeons aka rats with wings...and giant canal taxis that will ram the fuck out of you.

Step 4: Take in the sights. A church or seven.Step 5: Enjoy the wild/aquatic life. Run over swans.

Step 6: Bring sunglasses or you will run into a bigger boat and capsize. From what I understand 75% of canal house boats dump their sewage directly into the canals. Basically, bring protective eye wear or enjoy swimming in other peoples' feces.

Step 7: Don't venture out too far into the open river behind Central Station on a cold fall day. Tankers and barges rule the open waters and make a wake large enough to capsize a six seat boat. Plus people in boat taxis will look at you funny. With a hint of bemusement, sympathy, and horror. Almost like you are mentally retarded.

Watch out for large wake mentioned above. This is what happens. According to my friend and coworker, Spanish girlfriends get really angry when they are cold, sick, and soaking wet.

Step 8: You survived the poo canals and the high seas. Pat yourself on the back. Bring a jacket next time. And less dudes.

I just sold this trusty vessel. She will be missed.

Euro Change

The European monetary system pisses me off. I'm so mad I could blog about it...

For starters, why produce change in such large denominations? They make it in denominations up to 2 Euro coins which are worth approximately $100 US...heyoooo...although that is going down recently.

Secondly, why produce change in such a large RANGE of denominations. 1 cent, 2 cent, 5 cent, 10 cent, 20 cent, 50 cent..., 1 euro, 2 euro coins...What. the. fuck. Why can't they at least round off and get rid of the 1 or 2 cent piece?

I came up with a (very Republican) theory early on in my first experience living in Europe, in Milan. The amount of coins you have in circulation could end up promoting people being lazy and begging. People with tons of spare change in their pockets are apt to want to get rid of it. I know I am. My theory seemed to be pretty true in Milan which is teeming with gypsies/beggars/homeless peoples/lazy Italians who just want to sit around and eat pizza and pasta all day on someone elses' euro dime. It is also filled with kind-hearted, generous Italian people (although I think they are pretty racist. If you're a white beggar you are golden). The perfect combination.

My theory has kind of gone by the wayside since moving to Amsterdam and seeing virtually no beggars, but I think that might be more down to cultural differences, with Amsterdamites being cold assholes. More like myself.

The third reason the European change system annoys me, is how the fuck am I supposed to carry all of this change around? I like to wear jeans that fit me so when I throw a bunch of change in there it shows. Bitches (I mean women who have equal rights to me) either think I'm trying to impress them with my bulge or think I am made of money because they can literally see my coin.

I came up with another theory a while back about the amount of change here and how that translates into an unacceptably high number of European carryalls/man purses/murses (1 being the threshold for "unacceptably high"). The European central bank (or mint?) is doing more to feminize European dudes than indoor scarves.

Is this about you wanting to be "green" and not use so much paper money, European Central Bank? I am coining a new phrase: "spare the paper, spoil-the-not-needing-of-a-purse-by-men." Think about it.

I'm going to buy a murse right now...and maybe a scarf.

The Peoples Republic of Sweden

I don't think that it is called that but from what I heard during the run up to the US elections, Sweden is an awful socialist country full of wacky Swedish people. Nothing like AMURIKA! I decided to go there a few weekends ago to experience socialism first hand.

I met up with a bunch of friends and coworkers and we stayed in an apartment in the old part of Stockholm. I think it was called Gamla Stan but I kept calling it Afghanistan to my cab drivers...they thought that was cute. ANYway, it was a crazy drink filled weekend in which I learned a lot about myself and the world that surrounds me...here are some things I learned:

1) Swedish women are just as attractive as I thought they would be
2) Drinking Jim Beam and screaming loudly at 4am is not nice to do when you have roommates. However when one of those roommates is a dumb Polish-American (kind of goes without saying?) girl who chooses to throw a glass of water at you and then the whole glass after telling you to be quiet and you laugh in her face...you can continue to be a drunken asshole with few repercussions.
3) Europeans love scarves. Especially decorative ones with no practical purpose. The amount of t-shirt/scarf combinations I saw in Stockholm almost made me turn gay by contact.
4) The sun goes down at around 2:30pm in the fall/winter in Stockholm. I can't wait for Moscow!
5) Swedish pub food is really fucking tasty

Enjoy some pictures:

This was my reaction to a shot, this swedish girl's wacky personality, and socialism

Trying out the European garment known as an indoor "scarf" while breaking it down on the dance floor

This is me turning the tables on a girl named Clarissa and explaining it all to her. To the right is the most stylish German guy ever. He works for my company and fluently speaks like 10 languages. Multiculturalism yay!

Sweden was a lot like The Netherlands but way cooler because the people are nicer and hotter, and Stockholm is cleaner and better put together. It's like one big Ikea store with all sexy workers.

Actually, come to think of it, I didn't learn very much at all on my trip to Sweden. It was just another booze filled weekend. But it was quite a lovely country and I will probably go back...in the summer.

Where I'm Moving Next

It is supposed to be cold as a witch's titty...but the girls are supposed to make up for that in sexiness. It should be good times. Good thing they aren't trying to reignite the Cold War. That would be awkward.

I thought Dutch people are not so friendly...I'm guessing I will have a new found appreciation for them after living in a land where everyone is angry with each other.

Dutch People

Dutch people do not like to exchange pleasantries. If you really want to ruffle a dutchman's feathers (or dutch woman's - hereafter referred to as "Dutchess"), do the following.

Walk up to a Dutch person, look them directly in the eyes, smile, and ask "how are you today?" Such an exchange will often lead to looks of shock and horror: "well...I. don't. know. Fine I guess?"

I was actually told the other day by a Dutch woman I met with for business that I should refrain from asking how people are unless I know them well. "This is not the type of thing you should share with strangers," she said, shocked that I would think such a thing. No wonder many people in the traditional Dutch settlement of Western Michigan are such assholes.*

Now I make it a point to ask everyone I meet with or speak to on the phone how they are.

*all Dutch people are not assholes...I think it is mostly Amsterdamers. In their defense I think they just pretend to be assholes for a good portion of their lives.

Oktoberfest Review

Party shirt, party beer, party sunglasses. check check and check.

Dear friends, readers, and future self,

Here is an online scrapbook of my experience at Oktoberfest. It was everything I hoped it would be and more. Note that I have a beer in my hand in every picture. That's because I drank copious amounts of beer at Oktoberfest, just as I predicted.

18 year old German Mike Weinert

We began our day in the Hofbräu tent, one of 14 main tents setup on the Oktoberfest grounds. Apparently people who attend beer drinking festivals are really serious about drinking and because of this, we had to show up at 8 am just to get into the tent. My party shirt wearing friend and I were actually the last ones to be let in so we got shafted and ended up sitting in the corner of the tent with a bunch of German teenage welders. A good recipe for some hot gay German porn.

After one beer though things ended up being cool and we learned that Germans like to toast and sing a lot. Pretty much every stereotype you can think of about Germans is true at Oktoberfest except everyone is much friendlier and accepting of everything. EVERY German dude wears leiderhosen and EVERY German woman wears dirndls...or however you spell it...the dresses that push their chesticles together. I've never been really into boobs but those dresses definitely added points to the otherwise plain faces I saw...hey-oooo.

Beers, bros, balconies, bitches...behind the camera.

This is myself and Jerry O'Connell at another tent...I think it was called the Winzerer Fahndl. German names of things are even funnier than Dutch names of things.

At this point I was confident enough to sit on a balcony ledge that was a good 20 ft up. This part of the day is really really hazy...I'm glad my friends brought this camera to document my brush with death.

Sobriety

This is about the halfway point. There were many highs and lows during the first day. I would have to classify this part as a low...a really low low. In this picture we had decided to "take a break" from the Oktoberfest festivities by going to the grocery store and buying lots of beer.

That. Just. Happened. This buxom German-looking girl just got served.

This is much much later on in the night. My energy was restored after about 10 more beers and I was able to serve this girl up something fierce.

Total drinking time on this day = 18 hours

The next day I got up and did it all again until my flight that night. I have been recovering ever since, but it was well worth it.

Drunk Monkeys

A lot of you have been demanding a post about drunk monkeys. Well, your wishes have come true.

Oktoberfest

Finally, I get to see what the big stank is about. I am leaving tonight for what I'm pretty sure will prove to be a fruitful weekend of beer drinking and intelligent decisions. I just found a hotel yesterday which is pretty awesome (I'm guessing they don't call it Hotel Nymphenburg for nothing...or maybe they do because they are German and that could be a very common name there having nothing to do with fornicating). Anway, I don't have to sleep in a compact Euro car like I thought I would. It should be good times.

Reflections on Amsterdam

1) If you crossed a snooty British person with an angry Ayatollah and put said person into a service situation, you would get better service from this fictional human than 99% of Dutch customer service reps I have come across...the exceptions are a gay Dutch bartender and a Chilean waitress...so I guess she isn't an exception.

Dutch customer service blizows. When you are not being ignored you are being yelled at.

I have never gone somewhere before and offered to put money in someone's pocket in exchange for them retrieving something for me and had them get angry with me. Until I went to the corner restaurant and tried to order some soup. Or went to the coffee shop and asked for a menu...or waited in line for 20 minutes for my bike to be fixed only to get to the front and have the guy say it is 4:30 and he is closed for the day and I must be crazy for offering to give him money at this time of night.

2) Amsterdam is a pretty town, best seen by boat...preferably by dinghy and using a tourist map to get around the system of canals.
3) Dutch girls...or should I say Amsterdam girls put the "c(o)unt" in country. They are frigid ice queens.

4) Biking is sweet. biking blackout drunk at 3am with a thing of takeout noodles in one hand is not intelligent. No one wears helmets here on their bikes which is cool with me...however, I have seen some ridiculously stupid shit when it comes to people carrying babies around on their bikes. The most recent one being a guy riding his bike and simultaneously carring his baby zipped up in his hoodie. The odds on that baby making it to 3 years old are really stacked against him.

5) It is really fucking expensive...especially when you are paid in weak ass dollars. I was wondering why I spent so much money in one weekend so I refrained from blacking out one night the next weekend. I learned that I had been spending 8 euros per beer. That's the opposite of cool.

6) Amsterdamers (Amsterdamites?) and Dutch people in general speak English at my proficiency level. Possibly better. Dutch is basically like their own secret language they made up just to piss me off. Every other sentence I swear I know what they are saying and then they throw in some word with ten too many vowels and a pirate sounding "aarrrrr" and I am thrown for a loop once again.

7) It is the least private city ever. You can walk around and peer into people's living rooms, kitchens, and bedrooms at all hours, day and night. I can look out my front window and see directly into another apartment which never bothers to close its drapes. Too bad it's the home of some old couple.

What I Have Been Up To While Not Posting II

- drinking
- smokin (snortin, shootin - not really these two but I like that part of black sheep)
- buying a boat
- not smoking cigarettes
- spending euros, that's right, plural
- living in the former attic of an apartment building
- trying to get rid of the massive amount of change in my pockets at all times
- buying a bike
- walking up three flights of death stairs followed by one flight of ladder stairs four times a day
- trying to shop for food for myself again
- contemplating buying a european carryall (man purse) for all my change
- buying a "tobacco" smoking device
- being cold in august - dutch weather sucks
- staring at my computer too much
- planning a trip to poland
- cruising the canals in aforementioned boat
- getting the shittiest customer service of my life
- constantly being amazed at how dutch people speak better english than 90% of americans (possibly including myself)
- watching american football (we bought the extra sports package with nasn)
- getting scoffed at by ice queen dutch girls
- trying to hate this song. I haven't succeeded yet
- not doing laundry for 4 weeks
- planning where I will sleep at oktoberfest (probably in a rental car shared with three other people)
- deliberately buying the gayest sounding item on the menu at the coffee shop
- trying to stop listening to this song. probably played out in the states by now.
- riding my bike in the shitty dutch weather
- meeting with cartoon-like japanese executives
- planning a trip to stockholm
- getting stoned (not in the middle ages sense)
- binge drinking in moderation (only on the weekends)

Last Days of Thailand

My last days in Thailand are quite a blur. This is probably a good thing given that I would like to forget a lot of what transpired.

All in all though, I will miss Thailand. I must say that I think I really hit my stride in the final weekend/week. I bought a basketball and balled with the local Bangkokians, finally feeling more at home and not just like some guest in a hotel. My Thai and game spitting ability to Thai girls who speak very little english peaked. I basically got to the point where Thai people believed I spoke Thai and that I was lying to them when I said I couldn't. I even went on a date with a Thai girl who didn't speak English and it was enjoyable. I still felt a little like I was hanging out with a crow but at least this crow could show me around her nest. Pun intended. If crows actually have nests...

I am still trying to piece together the final night in Bangkok. I will probably have to write a separate blog about it, since it is quite blogworthy. However, I will say now that it ended in me getting maybe 30 minutes of sleep and leaving for the airport very late for my flight...I spent the first half of my 10 hour flight to Helsinki in a drunken sleep. Then I woke up, ate, popped a xanzibar and spent the rest of the flight drooling on my shoulder. As luck would have it I sat directly next to a really hot Finnish girl who wanted nothing to do with me and the alcohol seeping out of my pores.

Anyway, I have arrived in Amsterdam and it is nothing like Bangkok. I feel like I'm living in the countryside. If the countryside had a faint smell of weed and a lot of extremely tall people riding bikes everywhere.

I live in an apartment on a street called Plantage Muidergracht. It is just down the street from the Artis Zoo and the Waterloopen. Just a stones throw away from Stadhouderskade and Utrechtsestraat. I hear it is really quite a lovely place to live. Much better than Spiegelkwartier.

PS - names of things here are hilarious.

Lazy Post

Good Links that I have come across recently:
http://help.com/post/124066-funny-metaphors-used-in-high-school

http://www.kottke.org/08/08/good-brendan-fraser-movies
Note: this is wildly inaccurate as neither Encino Man nor Airheads are mentioned

http://www.rooshv.com/2008/my-philosophy-on-life

http://withleather.uproxx.com/post.phtml?pk=6567

And my favorite:



PS get these albums if you don't already have them:
Lil Wayne - Tha Carter III
MGMT - Oracular Spectacular

I am counting down the days to Amsterdam...

Thai Girl Names

Try to get excited saying these names in the bedroom:

Chuliporn
Suleeporn
Wanida
Poo
Poon
Picnic
Gun
Punch
Tanyarat
Fone
Nam
Lek
Toi

These are just names I remember off the top of my head. There are more. Luckily for them, Thai girls are much hotter than their names.

Oh yeah, I ran into the Thai girl version of Jay Leno the other night at the bar.

But seriously. Thai chicks and Asian girls in general are hot. I think I have a bad case of the yellow fever. I am convinced the only cure will be to visit my colleagues in Sweden next round.

Another Vacation

I need another vacation. I'm going to Ko Samui for my 4 day weekend of Buddhist Lent.

Ko Phan Ngan is a short boat ride away and there is a Full Moon Party on Saturday night. This should be interesting. Hopefully not in a "watch the dirty hippy backpackers and laugh at them" sort of way.

Cambodia - Night Post

A note upfront: I do not have any pictures of our night out as I was afraid to bring my camera out on the mean streets of Phnom Penh. All details of this story can be corroborated by clicking on the links below

After being sufficiently freaked out during the day by the general goings on in Cambodia for the past 40 odd years, my travel partner and I decided to hit the nightlife of Phnom Penh. First we went to grab dinner. We figured the best place to avoid mayhem would be to hit the Sisowath Quay riverfront area since we thought at the time that it was the "backpacker area".

This attempt at normalcy was thwarted within the first 5 minutes of sitting down out front of a restaurant. Little Cambodian street kids approached me first one by one, then two by two tapping my shoulder and giving their best English sales pitches to me on why I should buy their books/cds etc. These usually consisted of me saying "no" and them saying "why no?" I did what I usually do to people on the streets in Thailand which was fuck with them and try to make them laugh, however, these kids did not seem interested in any of this. Although I did play bloody knuckles with one little Camblette.*

This exchange melted my icy heart for a nano-second and I decided to do one thing nice by attempting to buy him an orange soda. When the waiter looked at me like I was bat-shit insane my heart iced over again and I told the kid to get lost.

After being bothered throughout dinner we decided to change venues and get hammered drunk. We went down the road and picked another place a block away from the river. This proved to be very dull with the only company outside of sex tourists to talk to being the many waitresses standing around doing nothing. We asked where "people like us" go - code word for vanilla face backpackers - but they kept saying "here". I guess we looked more like a couple of up-and-coming sex tourists.

We chilled there for a few more minutes while my travel partner sucked down a few Manhattans (see linked picture but gay it up by about 50%), then packed up and headed out to find another bar. Our luck turned at the next place where we met quite a few colorful characters. Of note was a guy who, no joke, when asked what he did, said "oh I'm just into some videos nowadays."

Given our choices, we continued on the theme of flirting with the only girls around - the excessive amount of bartenders and waitresses with nothing to do. At this place with pedophile Pete we met a nice Cambina** who was taken by our exotic white skin. Since there was no luck finding normal friends we decided to strike a deal with her to call her friend and take us out after her shift ended. We left the bar thinking this was a good backup plan if we found nothing else of interest.

At the next bar we got more of the same pattern. This one was particularly noteworthy though as sex tourists and vanilla face older guys came into the bar to play chess against the bar girls. After we ran our joke of being from the Philippines into the ground and the girls got busy with their sex tourist chess games, we decided the backup plan was the best way to go.

We went back to the bar with the Cambina who was able to get off early to take us out. Unfortunately her friend was not available so we rolled to the bar looking like a couple of backpacker sex tourists on a serious budget.

We arrived at the place the Cambina wanted to take us only to find it was closed. So we did the next logical thing and went to "street 51" where we found Phnom Penh's version of Spicy, called "Heart of Darkness." In true Cambodian style, this place was at least 10 times creepier than Spicy and Apocalypse Now. It was painted all red and black and was filled with "taxi ladies" (Cambodian hos) and large African immigrants. This is where I would like to insert a joke about AIDS, but as my friend told me after getting back from Phnom Penh, not even AIDS would go there. HIIOOOO.

So after arriving there as three we got some drinks and did some dancing. I did not get in any dance offs 1) because I would probably be put to shame by my superior darker skinned brothers, and 2) for fear of smudging a large man's Puma. While myself and the Cambina danced, my travel partner went off and experienced one of the oddest coincidences I have heard of in a while.

After about an hour of hard drinking and trying to discern if this Cambina was a taxi lady or not,*** I decided to figure it out once and for all. In conclusion I made a new friend who is not a taxi lady.

Cambodia was not so creepy after all.


* not actually short for a child from Cambodia
** not actually short for a girl from Cambodia
*** It is not recommended that vanilla face backpackers combine booze and judgment of who is, and who is not, a prostitute in SE Asia

Vacation Time

I'm going to Krabi this weekend. It's in the south of Thailand and it looks sweet. Check it and be jealous.

Part two of Cambodia will come after I rest.

Cambodia - Day Post

I arrived in Cambodia very early in the morning of the 5th of July. I am counting it as my 4th of July celebration since I did not sleep the night before...or the night of the 5th. But that is a different story (blog post).

Basically the best way I can describe Cambodia would be with phrase/title of Conrad's literary classic "The Heart of Darkness"...which coincidentally was the name of a bar we went to on our one night in Cambo. There is definitely an eerie feeling in the air and speaking as a vanilla face backpacker, I can say that I constantly felt like I was a mark for some scam...whether that is true or not I have no clue. I guess I'll find out in 9 months...just kidding.

After going through customs which charged $20 USD (or 1000 THB [$30 USD] in my case because I was too drunk from the night before to bother changing money to the "official" currency of USD...it's actually riel but almost no Asian country uses its own currency), I sat on a bench and waited for my buddy to arrive from Singapore.

We met up and walked out into the light of day of Phnom Penh. As is the case in all South East Asian countries, we immediately had 40 taxi drivers asking us where we were going. We finally settled on a taxi driver when we decided we weren't going to find a better deal and headed off into the wild city of Phnom Penh...

Or so we thought. Our taxi driver ended up speaking English and offered to take us on a tour and to the shooting range. It took us about 2 seconds to give in. So we headed off to the shooting range at 9:30AM...Keep in mind I was still feeling quite drunk at this point. On the way there our taxi driver told us that if we wanted we could shoot chickens or cows for a price. Apparently though, it is cheaper to go to the market and buy a chicken there. BYOC.

We got to the shooting range and chose to shoot the classic AK-47 from their exquisite gun menu seen below:It cost $50 for a magazine which had 30 bullets in it. Since we chose the automatic AK this took roughly 7 seconds to go through. For this 7 seconds we went into a shady ass building that looked straight out of some stage from 007 for N64 and proceeded to shoot a very loud gun. An aside: the guy in the video spoke very softly and bore an exact resemblance to the creepy Nam vet in The Simpsons. He kept asking us if we wanted to shoot a rocket launcher for $500...It was kind of tempting.

Instead we took some still shots as you can see above and dipped out. All in all it was cool but I felt a like I could have spent $50 better...or at least taken longer to spend it.

From there we went to the center of the city and found a place to stay. After throwing our stuff down we were ready to take Cambodeezy like a batch of crazy American devils...but we were not really sure what to do. So we did what all vanilla face backpackers do and caught a tuk tuk to "the killing fields."
We stopped at this gas station on the way to fill up. They had these on every corner.
The Killing Fields are where Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge slaughtered a few million Cambodians. All of the divots in the ground in this picture are where mass graves were uncovered during the 80s and 90s.

For some reason Pol Pot and his band of geniuses, all obviously possessing Mensa-like intellect, decided that they didn't like the direction Cambodia was headed in. So they decided a good idea would be to start Cambodian society over again their way. They rounded up all intellectuals, foreigners, people with money, and basically all of those who were established, in charge, and smart (or some combination of those), and tortured and killed them. The aim apparently was to bring Cambodian society back to "year zero" and start it over as a peasant/farming society. Well played gentlemen.

Of course I don't have to tell you that this plan obviously worked to perfection and Cambodia is now taking the lead on the world stage nowadays...er shit...they are now, by my calculations, at year 25ish. So they have a few thousand years of catching up to do. It shows.

The result of the shitstorm that occurred in Cambodia is that there has been a lot of war and poverty since the Khmer Rouge. There actually might have been some of that shit before, but I doubt as bad.

Suspected land mine explosion area...or maybe a place where they removed one.
This is the tuk tuk we took...took...to the killing fields. That is probably inappropriate.
These are the baller ass tuk tuks taunting our poor choice of tuk tuk.

After the Killing Fields we hit up an old school that was turned into a prison during the reign of Pol Pot to torture victims before taking them to be slaughtered at the killing fields.

You can imagine that this put us in the right frame of mind have a great night out on the town...so we headed home and got ready for just that.

A Prelude to Cambodia

That really has nothing to do with Cambodia...


But it's hilarious

This Is Where I'm Moving Next

Here's a hint: It's the weed capital...OF THE WORLD.

I think it is no coincidence that I just bought a pirated version of Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay just two days ago.

While perusing Wikitravel Amsterdam to get more info on my future destination I came across this section:

Tuk-Tuks

A Thai-influenced transportation service using three-wheeled, open-air (but covered) motorized vehicles was introduced in August 2007 and may be a more economical and fast way to get around the city centre compared to taxis. Tuk-tuk pricing is based on a zone system. Within a zone, a ride is €3.50 per person, €5.00 for 2 persons and €6.50 for 3. If you go to another zone, €3.50 is added (irrespective of number of persons). This service is handy if it is past the regular tram/bus/metro service hours (approximately half past midnight) as they take reservations 24 hours a day.

I thought I was getting away from these godforsaken things. The fact that they are charging 5 euro for a ride is laughable considering how much they cost here - $2 to go pretty much anywhere.

I wonder if the Dutch tuk-tuk drivers are as aggressive with the "ping pong show" offers as the Thai guys.

Safari World!

Last weekend my coworkers and I decided to have some wholesome fun and go to see some domesticated wild animals eat and poop in their cages.

We got more than we bargained for at Safari World, a zoo-like establishment 45 minutes from the center of Bangkok. Actually we literally had to bargain after one of the workers at one entrance took our tickets and then they asked for the tickets again at a second entrance. Apparently the guy was supposed to rip them and give them back to us but neglected to. Confusion ensued.

In my time here I have learned that Thais are not known for their excellent service. Most establishments I have seen are heavily overstaffed. This would lead you to believe that they are ready to meet any need you have or problem that might arise. In actuality it is very different. The best way I can describe Thai people working together to solve a problem is to picture the three stooges and multiply them by however many people are trying to help you at that time.

I think we went through about 10 workers trying to figure out what went wrong. 45 minutes of cooing and caaing and forced smiles through tears later we were finally let in to Safari World without having to pay more.

What follows is a montage of our day at Safari World.

This is from before the fiasco with the worker taking our tickets. We actually showed up in a taxi to the portion where you drive through the park to check out the animals, only to find out that you were supposed to bring your own car. So we told our stunned taxi driver to drive us through. Luckily we didn't have to pay for his entrance. I don't think they consider taxi drivers human here.

After the taxi we got ready for the zoo portion of the tour by wearing zebra and parrot paraphernalia World's greatest toilet. World's gayest fake "I have to shit" walk

Once inside the park we sought out the Orang Utan Show. It was just as awesome as it sounds and looks.Orang Utan Boxing - I was hoping for real blows to be exchanged. Unfortunately the people who worked at Safari World do not believe in "cruelty to animals"
Me and an Orang Utan chillin before the big showThis was the giraffe feeding portion of the tour. For 40 baht ($1.25) you could buy a bucket of bananas and feed these guys. They stuck their long purple tongue out and curled it back into their mouth to eat the bananas. For participation points, make your own joke about 12 inch purple tongues.

Gerry the Giraffe. I fed him a banana. Then he stared at me for 10 minutes straight.

Lessons learned from the day: giraffes and orang utans coming together to provide customer service would probably be just slightly less capable than Thais doing the same.

Vietnam

I visited Ho Chi Minh City aka Saigon last weekend. For another good synopsis see here. I will try to expound.

I arrived in the airport and to my relief the company who took all of my personal and sensitive information was legit. There was a Vietnamese guy waiting for me to give me a visa and a nice welcome to Nam that had nothing to do with stealing my anal virginity.

On the way into Pham Ngu Lao, the backpackers area of Saigon, I got my first taste of Saigon traffic. Bangkok and Manila are possibly the two worst congested cities I have seen in the world, but HCM definitely has the craziest system of driving. I believe I saw 3 traffic lights total in the entire city. There are a decent amount of cars and trucks but millions of motorbikes all over the roads and the general rule of thumb is that large sized vehicles run shit and small get dominated.

Basically Vietnamese people drive by a system that is more sonar than sight. Please insert asian driver jokes here. People do not look anywhere but straight ahead and there is always a rousing game of chicken to be enjoyed around every corner. Beeping is constant from everyone (possibly mandatory) and quite annoying when it is 8am and you are incredibly hungover sitting on a two hour bus ride going to the Mekong Delta. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Summing it up: Vietnamese traffic = school of mindless swimming fish.

After finding a hotel deep in the heart of enemy territory we decided the right thing to do would be to go out and get sloshed. So we headed to the local backpacker hangout where we found many dirty hippy white kids to drink with. This seemed very stale and boring (I actually found out later from my coworker who lived in Saigon that they do not allow Vietnamese people in this bar) so we decided to spice things up and go to "Apocalypse Now," Saigon's Spicy. Again, see what I did there?

That turned out to be a pretty large mistake as we quickly found out that the figurative Saigon whores we were looking for were not to be found here and that Apocalypse Now was actually filled with literal whores. Needless to say these ladies of the night enjoyed our company and banter but that was all we gave them. We retired for the night after going back to the backpacker hangout for many more rounds of drinks.

The next day was a hell on earth journey to the Mekong Delta (see bus ride mentioned above) where we were ushered around on no less than four forms of transportation in four hours. There was a bus, then a boat, then a paddle boat, then a horse and buggy...There might have been more. I can't remember. Anyway the tour was basically a Vietnamese tour guide bringing us around to show us what the "local people" do for a living. From the looks of it they make wooden spoons and handicrafts to sell to pliable tourists. I'm convinced this was a South Park "Pioneer Village" type setup where these "local people" drove home in their Honda Accords laughing at the silly "vanilla faces" who bought their stupid shit.

Local girl happy to be making wooden spoons for a living

Anyway, we met some French Canadian girls on this tour who were actually cool so it wasn't a total bust. Who would have thought, combining two of the worst nationalities in the world would produce anything remotely cool? Sometimes two wrongs DO make a right.

That night we went out as a group and enjoyed drinks at the local saloon. Literally. They have a saloon where all the staff dress up like cowboys. It was one of the few clubs we found with Vietnamese people so we decided to stay and we ended up getting bombed and hanging out with crazy Vietnamese dudes who got so drunk they were swinging their shirts around their heads and falling off of bar stools.

The next day was by far the coolest portion of the trip. We visited the Cu Chi tunnels where Charlie used to hang out underground during the Nam war and set booby traps for American soldiers. According to the video they showed us before seeing the tunnels, Americans were a "crazy batch of devils" who came and tried to "steal the Cu Chi land from peaceful Vietnam people." Also "Many Vietnamese heros were awarded the award for #1 American killer" by killing over 100 Americans. It's good to see the true story of the Vietnam war without the American devil spin.

After that portion of the tour we were ready to explore some tunnels. I'll just get this out of the way upfront and say I left a decent part of both my dignity and manhood somewhere in tunnels of Cu Chi.

This is a picture of me going into the tunnel. This is the picture most people take and then jump right back out since the guides warn that the tunnel is very small and dark and not suitable for tourists. The "tourist tunnel" comes later in the trip and it is cemented and lit for the greater portion.

For a funnier rendition of me getting into the tunnel, here's a video of your average douche hippy backpacker going into the tunnel:


His dreads are so non conformist

Out of 40 some odd people in our tour, Shane and I were two of the three people who decided to actually crawl through this "real tunnel"...bad move. The other exit was about 20 meters away but once underground I found out that the tunnel did not go straight but curved in a different direction every two feet. To make matters worse it was absolutely pitch black and eerily silent. It was exactly what I imagine being buried alive would be like.

After crawling back to the light of day and being scared shitless, I proceeded to go to the other portions of the tour where I got to shoot an AK-47 and look at bomb craters the size of the foundation of a house. Badass. All in all a good ending to the trip.

One note to make. I met with this guy from the Thai Chamber of Commerce early on in the Bangkok project and asked him what his two favorite places in the world are to visit. Without batting an eyelash he goes: "Easy. Russia because the women there are absolutely beautiful, and Vietnam, because the ladies there are like Thai lady but have big boobs," illustrating large mammories on himself for extra emphasis. After visiting I can say this man is 100% accurate in his assessment and must be an amateur anthropologist in his spare time.

Fin.