Safari World!

Last weekend my coworkers and I decided to have some wholesome fun and go to see some domesticated wild animals eat and poop in their cages.

We got more than we bargained for at Safari World, a zoo-like establishment 45 minutes from the center of Bangkok. Actually we literally had to bargain after one of the workers at one entrance took our tickets and then they asked for the tickets again at a second entrance. Apparently the guy was supposed to rip them and give them back to us but neglected to. Confusion ensued.

In my time here I have learned that Thais are not known for their excellent service. Most establishments I have seen are heavily overstaffed. This would lead you to believe that they are ready to meet any need you have or problem that might arise. In actuality it is very different. The best way I can describe Thai people working together to solve a problem is to picture the three stooges and multiply them by however many people are trying to help you at that time.

I think we went through about 10 workers trying to figure out what went wrong. 45 minutes of cooing and caaing and forced smiles through tears later we were finally let in to Safari World without having to pay more.

What follows is a montage of our day at Safari World.

This is from before the fiasco with the worker taking our tickets. We actually showed up in a taxi to the portion where you drive through the park to check out the animals, only to find out that you were supposed to bring your own car. So we told our stunned taxi driver to drive us through. Luckily we didn't have to pay for his entrance. I don't think they consider taxi drivers human here.

After the taxi we got ready for the zoo portion of the tour by wearing zebra and parrot paraphernalia World's greatest toilet. World's gayest fake "I have to shit" walk

Once inside the park we sought out the Orang Utan Show. It was just as awesome as it sounds and looks.Orang Utan Boxing - I was hoping for real blows to be exchanged. Unfortunately the people who worked at Safari World do not believe in "cruelty to animals"
Me and an Orang Utan chillin before the big showThis was the giraffe feeding portion of the tour. For 40 baht ($1.25) you could buy a bucket of bananas and feed these guys. They stuck their long purple tongue out and curled it back into their mouth to eat the bananas. For participation points, make your own joke about 12 inch purple tongues.

Gerry the Giraffe. I fed him a banana. Then he stared at me for 10 minutes straight.

Lessons learned from the day: giraffes and orang utans coming together to provide customer service would probably be just slightly less capable than Thais doing the same.

Vietnam

I visited Ho Chi Minh City aka Saigon last weekend. For another good synopsis see here. I will try to expound.

I arrived in the airport and to my relief the company who took all of my personal and sensitive information was legit. There was a Vietnamese guy waiting for me to give me a visa and a nice welcome to Nam that had nothing to do with stealing my anal virginity.

On the way into Pham Ngu Lao, the backpackers area of Saigon, I got my first taste of Saigon traffic. Bangkok and Manila are possibly the two worst congested cities I have seen in the world, but HCM definitely has the craziest system of driving. I believe I saw 3 traffic lights total in the entire city. There are a decent amount of cars and trucks but millions of motorbikes all over the roads and the general rule of thumb is that large sized vehicles run shit and small get dominated.

Basically Vietnamese people drive by a system that is more sonar than sight. Please insert asian driver jokes here. People do not look anywhere but straight ahead and there is always a rousing game of chicken to be enjoyed around every corner. Beeping is constant from everyone (possibly mandatory) and quite annoying when it is 8am and you are incredibly hungover sitting on a two hour bus ride going to the Mekong Delta. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Summing it up: Vietnamese traffic = school of mindless swimming fish.

After finding a hotel deep in the heart of enemy territory we decided the right thing to do would be to go out and get sloshed. So we headed to the local backpacker hangout where we found many dirty hippy white kids to drink with. This seemed very stale and boring (I actually found out later from my coworker who lived in Saigon that they do not allow Vietnamese people in this bar) so we decided to spice things up and go to "Apocalypse Now," Saigon's Spicy. Again, see what I did there?

That turned out to be a pretty large mistake as we quickly found out that the figurative Saigon whores we were looking for were not to be found here and that Apocalypse Now was actually filled with literal whores. Needless to say these ladies of the night enjoyed our company and banter but that was all we gave them. We retired for the night after going back to the backpacker hangout for many more rounds of drinks.

The next day was a hell on earth journey to the Mekong Delta (see bus ride mentioned above) where we were ushered around on no less than four forms of transportation in four hours. There was a bus, then a boat, then a paddle boat, then a horse and buggy...There might have been more. I can't remember. Anyway the tour was basically a Vietnamese tour guide bringing us around to show us what the "local people" do for a living. From the looks of it they make wooden spoons and handicrafts to sell to pliable tourists. I'm convinced this was a South Park "Pioneer Village" type setup where these "local people" drove home in their Honda Accords laughing at the silly "vanilla faces" who bought their stupid shit.

Local girl happy to be making wooden spoons for a living

Anyway, we met some French Canadian girls on this tour who were actually cool so it wasn't a total bust. Who would have thought, combining two of the worst nationalities in the world would produce anything remotely cool? Sometimes two wrongs DO make a right.

That night we went out as a group and enjoyed drinks at the local saloon. Literally. They have a saloon where all the staff dress up like cowboys. It was one of the few clubs we found with Vietnamese people so we decided to stay and we ended up getting bombed and hanging out with crazy Vietnamese dudes who got so drunk they were swinging their shirts around their heads and falling off of bar stools.

The next day was by far the coolest portion of the trip. We visited the Cu Chi tunnels where Charlie used to hang out underground during the Nam war and set booby traps for American soldiers. According to the video they showed us before seeing the tunnels, Americans were a "crazy batch of devils" who came and tried to "steal the Cu Chi land from peaceful Vietnam people." Also "Many Vietnamese heros were awarded the award for #1 American killer" by killing over 100 Americans. It's good to see the true story of the Vietnam war without the American devil spin.

After that portion of the tour we were ready to explore some tunnels. I'll just get this out of the way upfront and say I left a decent part of both my dignity and manhood somewhere in tunnels of Cu Chi.

This is a picture of me going into the tunnel. This is the picture most people take and then jump right back out since the guides warn that the tunnel is very small and dark and not suitable for tourists. The "tourist tunnel" comes later in the trip and it is cemented and lit for the greater portion.

For a funnier rendition of me getting into the tunnel, here's a video of your average douche hippy backpacker going into the tunnel:


His dreads are so non conformist

Out of 40 some odd people in our tour, Shane and I were two of the three people who decided to actually crawl through this "real tunnel"...bad move. The other exit was about 20 meters away but once underground I found out that the tunnel did not go straight but curved in a different direction every two feet. To make matters worse it was absolutely pitch black and eerily silent. It was exactly what I imagine being buried alive would be like.

After crawling back to the light of day and being scared shitless, I proceeded to go to the other portions of the tour where I got to shoot an AK-47 and look at bomb craters the size of the foundation of a house. Badass. All in all a good ending to the trip.

One note to make. I met with this guy from the Thai Chamber of Commerce early on in the Bangkok project and asked him what his two favorite places in the world are to visit. Without batting an eyelash he goes: "Easy. Russia because the women there are absolutely beautiful, and Vietnam, because the ladies there are like Thai lady but have big boobs," illustrating large mammories on himself for extra emphasis. After visiting I can say this man is 100% accurate in his assessment and must be an amateur anthropologist in his spare time.

Fin.

Other Events In My Life

I'm preparing for my big Vietnam trip tomorrow. Platoon has been on repeat on Star Movies here the past three days and I feel it has sufficiently prepared me for the mayhem.

It should be an interesting trip. I'm meeting up with a friend of a friend/another guy from my company and we are going to explore the literal and figurative Cuci Tunnels of Vietnam...see what I did there? Niooo.

We actually just figured out that we need visas today. Who would have thought that you need a visa to enter Nam? Can't they just get over the war already? I had to pay $100 to get some fast issued visa online from some shady company. I'm still not 100% sure my identity has not been stolen or that I'm not being sold into the Saigon sex trade. If I'm not back in a few weeks someone come looking for me around the Laos or Cambodia border.

Also I forgot to mention I am spreading my world class dance moves worldwide. It's the old logical step for world class dance moves. Think about it.

A few weeks ago some chick tried to test my skills in this club called 808. Here are some pics of me shredding her hopes and dreams to pieces:

BeforeAfter

You can't see the shame in her face but just read her body language. If we were in Japan she would have had to go out back and put a samurai sword through her torso. I'm pretty sure her whole family would have to actually.

She asked for my number afterwards but I just didn't see her in the same light as before. Once you get burned by this you're changed for life.

Spicy

Yes, Thai food is spicy. Aside from the delicious spicy Thai dish pictured above, this post has nothing to do with that topic as it is not really interesting to 99% of the people reading this blog.

So remember when I said bars close at 2AM here and I'm trying to find an after hours place to go...? Well, I found it during my non-posting, drinking binge. Spicy is a grimy club that the police allow to stay open after 2AM, for reasons unknown (although I'm pretty sure the reason has something to do with the fact that they pay off the corrupt po-po).

I have been avoiding talking about my night there quite a few weeks ago for two reasons: 1) because I don't remember much of it and 2) because I am trying to black out of my mind certain events that transpired that were not already erased by alcohol.

The club is one large, dark, dirty rectangular room with lots of tables in the middle and a big bar spanning the left hand side. The only lights come from neon behind the bar and a few flood lights that light up parts of the dance floor. It is filled with a mixture of farang dudes, prostitutes, lady boys, and Thai slewts. I'm guessing they make it very dark on purpose so it is hard to tell the difference.

Anyway, I won't share too many details but I went there quite inebriated and had a little too much fun with a few girls...no lady boys...although one of them may or may not have had large gums...I like to call her Gumby. I ended up leaving the club at 5:30 (I think), got in a car with these two girls and drove off toward a destination still unknown to me. By the way the fact that they have a car means they are not prostitutes. That is one way I have found to distinguish girls here.

Apparently events transpired in the car and I ended up arguing with these girls. This argument culminated in me exiting the car in the middle of 6AM Bangkok traffic. I ended up stumbling around the streets of Bangkok as the sun rose with no money...I finally found a cab and an atm after about 45 minutes of walking the wrong way, and got home at 7AM on Friday morning. I proceeded to sleep through that morning of work in which I had a meeting with some important executive. Luckily I woke up by 12:30, just in time for lunch.

All in all it was a pretty awful experience but also pretty funny because the other guys I was there with have similar stories. I will probably not be going back anytime soon. Although that's what I said about the ping pong show...

What I have been up to While Not Posting

- drinking my liver into oblivion
- eating a lot of spicy food
- shitting my brains out
- eating more spicy food
- hanging out with various people who inspire me to drink myself into oblivion
- going to a second (and final) ping pong show...never again
- getting harassed by Kathoey (ladyboys) - "herrroo where yu com from?"
- meeting girls whom I cannot discern if they are prostitutes, con artists, or even girls
- going to traditional Thai clubs where hot asian girl dancers down whiskey like 300lb hicks from Kentucky...but on a stage in a sexy outfit
- working a lot
- making fun of random Thai people
- watching a Thai boxing match - sick
- pretending to understand what Thai girls are saying to me when in a club with the music at unnaturally high asian-levels
- pretending to understand what Thai girls are saying to me when in a normal quiet setting...all I hear is "Ca Ca Ca I'm a crow"
- getting stared at by all of the asian girl-, gay guy-, and lady boy-workers at the massively overstaffed mall department stores
- making fun of said workers when they say they want me to look at something and I say random things like "chicken wing?" just to confuse them
- buying 2 custom suits, 6 shirts, and 4 ties for very cheap - baller
- planning a trip to Vietnam and Cambodia
- drinking
- eating bomb ass street food for less than a dollar a dish
- saluting the security guard who snaps to attention every time I walk outside of my serviced apartment building
- going to an ultra hip club called "bed superclub" that has models night on wednesdays
- eating hot fried chicken wings from MACdonalds (with spicy Thai sauce on the side)
- listening to the same old fucking music because I have not had the energy to look for new stuff recently
- meeting with government officials and Thai executives
- harassing poor taxi drivers when blacked out
- getting ripped off by asshole taxi drivers who charge me the "farang price" ie triple the normal price
- drinking