Change of Plans

I'm moving to Vienna, Austria in January. My company nixed Moscow when they realized that Russia is being raped by the credit crisis/low oil prices/various wars. I was super pumped about Russia and I can't say the same thing for Austria.

See here, here, and here for reasons why Austria might blow.

On the plus side Austria is where the film The Sound of Music was filmed. Yay.

At least I will be able to get back into snowboarding.

Amsterdam By Boat

I mentioned before that the best way to see Amsterdam is by boat. On one crisp fall day I decided to hit the canals and take some pictures on my vessel.

Here is a step by step guide for a guaranteed good time on the rough waters of the Dam.

Step 1: openly mock gang of cycling tourists on your way to your boat. Nice bike guy! Does it come in mens?

Step 2: Bail out boat from underneath junkie piss and sewage water. Clean dirty leaves off of boat while your friend expresses his inner desire to give you a good rogering.

Step 3: Start motor after 30 minutes of furious pulling on lawn mower string. Set off under the first of many underpasses and tunnels. Watch out for pigeons aka rats with wings...and giant canal taxis that will ram the fuck out of you.

Step 4: Take in the sights. A church or seven.Step 5: Enjoy the wild/aquatic life. Run over swans.

Step 6: Bring sunglasses or you will run into a bigger boat and capsize. From what I understand 75% of canal house boats dump their sewage directly into the canals. Basically, bring protective eye wear or enjoy swimming in other peoples' feces.

Step 7: Don't venture out too far into the open river behind Central Station on a cold fall day. Tankers and barges rule the open waters and make a wake large enough to capsize a six seat boat. Plus people in boat taxis will look at you funny. With a hint of bemusement, sympathy, and horror. Almost like you are mentally retarded.

Watch out for large wake mentioned above. This is what happens. According to my friend and coworker, Spanish girlfriends get really angry when they are cold, sick, and soaking wet.

Step 8: You survived the poo canals and the high seas. Pat yourself on the back. Bring a jacket next time. And less dudes.

I just sold this trusty vessel. She will be missed.

Euro Change

The European monetary system pisses me off. I'm so mad I could blog about it...

For starters, why produce change in such large denominations? They make it in denominations up to 2 Euro coins which are worth approximately $100 US...heyoooo...although that is going down recently.

Secondly, why produce change in such a large RANGE of denominations. 1 cent, 2 cent, 5 cent, 10 cent, 20 cent, 50 cent..., 1 euro, 2 euro coins...What. the. fuck. Why can't they at least round off and get rid of the 1 or 2 cent piece?

I came up with a (very Republican) theory early on in my first experience living in Europe, in Milan. The amount of coins you have in circulation could end up promoting people being lazy and begging. People with tons of spare change in their pockets are apt to want to get rid of it. I know I am. My theory seemed to be pretty true in Milan which is teeming with gypsies/beggars/homeless peoples/lazy Italians who just want to sit around and eat pizza and pasta all day on someone elses' euro dime. It is also filled with kind-hearted, generous Italian people (although I think they are pretty racist. If you're a white beggar you are golden). The perfect combination.

My theory has kind of gone by the wayside since moving to Amsterdam and seeing virtually no beggars, but I think that might be more down to cultural differences, with Amsterdamites being cold assholes. More like myself.

The third reason the European change system annoys me, is how the fuck am I supposed to carry all of this change around? I like to wear jeans that fit me so when I throw a bunch of change in there it shows. Bitches (I mean women who have equal rights to me) either think I'm trying to impress them with my bulge or think I am made of money because they can literally see my coin.

I came up with another theory a while back about the amount of change here and how that translates into an unacceptably high number of European carryalls/man purses/murses (1 being the threshold for "unacceptably high"). The European central bank (or mint?) is doing more to feminize European dudes than indoor scarves.

Is this about you wanting to be "green" and not use so much paper money, European Central Bank? I am coining a new phrase: "spare the paper, spoil-the-not-needing-of-a-purse-by-men." Think about it.

I'm going to buy a murse right now...and maybe a scarf.

The Peoples Republic of Sweden

I don't think that it is called that but from what I heard during the run up to the US elections, Sweden is an awful socialist country full of wacky Swedish people. Nothing like AMURIKA! I decided to go there a few weekends ago to experience socialism first hand.

I met up with a bunch of friends and coworkers and we stayed in an apartment in the old part of Stockholm. I think it was called Gamla Stan but I kept calling it Afghanistan to my cab drivers...they thought that was cute. ANYway, it was a crazy drink filled weekend in which I learned a lot about myself and the world that surrounds me...here are some things I learned:

1) Swedish women are just as attractive as I thought they would be
2) Drinking Jim Beam and screaming loudly at 4am is not nice to do when you have roommates. However when one of those roommates is a dumb Polish-American (kind of goes without saying?) girl who chooses to throw a glass of water at you and then the whole glass after telling you to be quiet and you laugh in her face...you can continue to be a drunken asshole with few repercussions.
3) Europeans love scarves. Especially decorative ones with no practical purpose. The amount of t-shirt/scarf combinations I saw in Stockholm almost made me turn gay by contact.
4) The sun goes down at around 2:30pm in the fall/winter in Stockholm. I can't wait for Moscow!
5) Swedish pub food is really fucking tasty

Enjoy some pictures:

This was my reaction to a shot, this swedish girl's wacky personality, and socialism

Trying out the European garment known as an indoor "scarf" while breaking it down on the dance floor

This is me turning the tables on a girl named Clarissa and explaining it all to her. To the right is the most stylish German guy ever. He works for my company and fluently speaks like 10 languages. Multiculturalism yay!

Sweden was a lot like The Netherlands but way cooler because the people are nicer and hotter, and Stockholm is cleaner and better put together. It's like one big Ikea store with all sexy workers.

Actually, come to think of it, I didn't learn very much at all on my trip to Sweden. It was just another booze filled weekend. But it was quite a lovely country and I will probably go back...in the summer.

Where I'm Moving Next

It is supposed to be cold as a witch's titty...but the girls are supposed to make up for that in sexiness. It should be good times. Good thing they aren't trying to reignite the Cold War. That would be awkward.

I thought Dutch people are not so friendly...I'm guessing I will have a new found appreciation for them after living in a land where everyone is angry with each other.