Amsterdam By Boat

I mentioned before that the best way to see Amsterdam is by boat. On one crisp fall day I decided to hit the canals and take some pictures on my vessel.

Here is a step by step guide for a guaranteed good time on the rough waters of the Dam.

Step 1: openly mock gang of cycling tourists on your way to your boat. Nice bike guy! Does it come in mens?

Step 2: Bail out boat from underneath junkie piss and sewage water. Clean dirty leaves off of boat while your friend expresses his inner desire to give you a good rogering.

Step 3: Start motor after 30 minutes of furious pulling on lawn mower string. Set off under the first of many underpasses and tunnels. Watch out for pigeons aka rats with wings...and giant canal taxis that will ram the fuck out of you.

Step 4: Take in the sights. A church or seven.Step 5: Enjoy the wild/aquatic life. Run over swans.

Step 6: Bring sunglasses or you will run into a bigger boat and capsize. From what I understand 75% of canal house boats dump their sewage directly into the canals. Basically, bring protective eye wear or enjoy swimming in other peoples' feces.

Step 7: Don't venture out too far into the open river behind Central Station on a cold fall day. Tankers and barges rule the open waters and make a wake large enough to capsize a six seat boat. Plus people in boat taxis will look at you funny. With a hint of bemusement, sympathy, and horror. Almost like you are mentally retarded.

Watch out for large wake mentioned above. This is what happens. According to my friend and coworker, Spanish girlfriends get really angry when they are cold, sick, and soaking wet.

Step 8: You survived the poo canals and the high seas. Pat yourself on the back. Bring a jacket next time. And less dudes.

I just sold this trusty vessel. She will be missed.