Dutch People

Dutch people do not like to exchange pleasantries. If you really want to ruffle a dutchman's feathers (or dutch woman's - hereafter referred to as "Dutchess"), do the following.

Walk up to a Dutch person, look them directly in the eyes, smile, and ask "how are you today?" Such an exchange will often lead to looks of shock and horror: "well...I. don't. know. Fine I guess?"

I was actually told the other day by a Dutch woman I met with for business that I should refrain from asking how people are unless I know them well. "This is not the type of thing you should share with strangers," she said, shocked that I would think such a thing. No wonder many people in the traditional Dutch settlement of Western Michigan are such assholes.*

Now I make it a point to ask everyone I meet with or speak to on the phone how they are.

*all Dutch people are not assholes...I think it is mostly Amsterdamers. In their defense I think they just pretend to be assholes for a good portion of their lives.

Oktoberfest Review

Party shirt, party beer, party sunglasses. check check and check.

Dear friends, readers, and future self,

Here is an online scrapbook of my experience at Oktoberfest. It was everything I hoped it would be and more. Note that I have a beer in my hand in every picture. That's because I drank copious amounts of beer at Oktoberfest, just as I predicted.

18 year old German Mike Weinert

We began our day in the Hofbräu tent, one of 14 main tents setup on the Oktoberfest grounds. Apparently people who attend beer drinking festivals are really serious about drinking and because of this, we had to show up at 8 am just to get into the tent. My party shirt wearing friend and I were actually the last ones to be let in so we got shafted and ended up sitting in the corner of the tent with a bunch of German teenage welders. A good recipe for some hot gay German porn.

After one beer though things ended up being cool and we learned that Germans like to toast and sing a lot. Pretty much every stereotype you can think of about Germans is true at Oktoberfest except everyone is much friendlier and accepting of everything. EVERY German dude wears leiderhosen and EVERY German woman wears dirndls...or however you spell it...the dresses that push their chesticles together. I've never been really into boobs but those dresses definitely added points to the otherwise plain faces I saw...hey-oooo.

Beers, bros, balconies, bitches...behind the camera.

This is myself and Jerry O'Connell at another tent...I think it was called the Winzerer Fahndl. German names of things are even funnier than Dutch names of things.

At this point I was confident enough to sit on a balcony ledge that was a good 20 ft up. This part of the day is really really hazy...I'm glad my friends brought this camera to document my brush with death.

Sobriety

This is about the halfway point. There were many highs and lows during the first day. I would have to classify this part as a low...a really low low. In this picture we had decided to "take a break" from the Oktoberfest festivities by going to the grocery store and buying lots of beer.

That. Just. Happened. This buxom German-looking girl just got served.

This is much much later on in the night. My energy was restored after about 10 more beers and I was able to serve this girl up something fierce.

Total drinking time on this day = 18 hours

The next day I got up and did it all again until my flight that night. I have been recovering ever since, but it was well worth it.

Drunk Monkeys

A lot of you have been demanding a post about drunk monkeys. Well, your wishes have come true.