Prague blague

Why hello there. I went to Prague a few weeks ago and I wanted to share some of my candid stories and adventures with you over the interweb. Sit back, relax and enjoy this visual and prosaic blague-venture through Prague.

Old Town Square

My Vienna coworkers and I arrived in Prague after a 4 hour train ride and took a private taxi to Old Town where we had a baller ass apartment setup for us. From there we met up with the artist formerly known as Gunmetal Gary (now known as black trenchcoat Barry) and hit the town.

First we went to get food. In my limited time in the country I found that Czech food consists of 3 options - pork shoulder, pork knee, and pork whatever other parts you can eat off of a pig. I had the pork shoulder and it was delicious.

That night we went out and got drunk in some area of the city that I don't remember...I think it might have been in old town or close by. At any rate, it was fun but we ended up at some divebar that looked like it could have been in Adams Morgan. It seemed like an expat bar and I was disappointed to find myself talking to British girls with bad breath and not hot Czech girls who I assume have pork breath. I slayed with the British birds that night. It was a very late night and I think we went to bed when the sun was coming up so it couldn't have been all that bad.

Krazy Klock in Old Town Square

On Saturday we got up and got food at a pub nearby. This time I ordered the pork knee. This turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life as I was treated to the largest hunk of roasted pork knee on a spit that I have ever seen. I guess that doesn't sound impressive since I've never seen anything like it...but it came with all sorts of sauces and was delicious.

After eating we decided to hit the local army surplus store and buy ridiculous soviet outfits. We walked around town all day in full soviet garb and it only dawned on me at the end of the day that maybe it was offensive to Czechs since they were sort of conquered by the soviets on and off for decades.

Soviet Stylin

Black trenchcoat barry aka soviet steve got extra special dirty looks from eurobags in orange sweatshirts.

Orange Poolius hating

On Saturday night we went out to a club not in the center of town and the name escapes me at this point. There were ridiculously hot girls dancing on podiums but it wasn't very crowded. Overall another disappointing night in a town I thought would be a crazy party type place. I guess we went to the wrong places. We still managed to stay up until 9am and end the night/morning at a really depressing betting/games place where some old Czech dude was asleep at the slot machine.

Overall I would give Prague a decent rating but some parts of it were disappointing. It was absolutely beautiful but cold with even colder people. I would like to go back in warmer weather and know someone who knows good places to meet hot Czech girls.

Insert joke about Czeching her out here

Random Funny Japanese Video

Japanese people are like cartoon characters.

Working Out In Vienna

This being my 3rd stint in Western Europe I know that European gyms are a big waste of time. Most are absurdly outdated and are only frequented by homosexual European men looking to meet other homosexuals. Since I am so hetero it hurts, I have decided to forgo the gyms. In Vienna I am going the way of Patrick Bateman and doing my own rigorous exercise routine.

I bought a jump rope and I am doing a few online programs which, upon completing them, I will be able to do over 100 pushups and approximately 2 million situps. I guess you could say I believe in taking care of myself.

I'm trying to eat well here too but it's nearly impossible with all the sausages and schnitzel these people eat.

The other day I was even convinced by my coworker to go to a Bikram Yoga class with her. It was my first (and probably last) Yoga class ever.

In Bikram Yoga you basically hang out in a room that is 40 degrees celcius (105 degrees fahrenheit) and do a bunch of awkward poses. It was surprisingly hard and within the first 5 minutes I was pouring down sweat like I never have. It was 90 minutes in total. The only thing that kept me going was the instructor who sounded like a Nazi, barking orders in German, but had an ass like I have never seen in my life.

German/Austrian Music

This is what's happening in the streets of Austria.

The first band is a German band of eunuchs who sing nonsensical lyrics...I'm pretty ashamed to admit that the song is actually very catchy. By the way allein means alone. So sad.

Polarkreis 18 - Allein Allein
by Polarkreis-18

This is DJ Ötzi. Apparently he is big at Austrian ski parties where people drink Schnapps till the break of dawn. I had Schnapps the other week. It is terrible. Austrians drink it like it is water when they go skiing. I guess it's their way of coping with the terrible music.



This is Scooter. He's a huge douche nozzel. Enjoy his soothing sounds:



Now obviously this post is biased and represents (mostly) the shit music in this section of Europe. I am hard pressed to find anything really good though so I'll leave you to search for the treasure in the trash.

I used to tell this Dutch girl I knew in Amsterdam that not only did Americans save them from the Germans, but we also saved them from their own terrible music. Now I know the full extent of what we saved them from. Their music could have blended with German music forming an enormous nuclear poo cloud of shit music. You're welcome world. AMERICA.

People I work With

I've mentioned before that my company is not quite normal. Here are some examples why.

This video is my coworker here in Austria. She's the first one to speak. It is obviously in Tagalog, the language of the Philippines.



This is my old coworker in Thailand. He was on Big Brother Australia a few years back. This is obviously in the Queen's English.



This next one is more risque. To the point where it wouldn't allow me to embed it...sorry Delic. Had to do it. Your sexual prowess has been exposed to the four people who read this blog.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Qqa5Lsea8U&feature=related

Manila and Boracay - a hazy recollection

Embassy - a club in Manila

As stated in the title, I don't remember everything from this section of the trip. I'll try to recount the really important stuff.

We got into Manila capping off a few weeks of traveling. Since 60% of my company is made up of uber rich filipinos, we were treated like royalty. We were greeted at the airport with my coworker's private driver who was in a pimp ass SUV with fully tinted windows. He is also a driver for a congressman there (they're targets for kidnapping and assassination there at every minute) so he was trained in all sorts of evasive driving tactics and martial arts. I'm glad I didn't have to see him whip out his krav maga skills. His driving was insane.

Nightlife seems pretty sweet in Manila if you know the right people. I've been once before but didn't get to see it due to a flight I had to catch. We went out to a club called Embassy in the trendy, nice part of the city called Makati. We got into the VIP section since my friends know the owner. As you can see in the above picture there was a guy with his shirt off in the club proving that they have huge douche nozzels in the Philippines too...and they can even get into the VIP section.

We left for Boracay a few days in and had another company conference like last year. This time it was cool because I'm higher up in the company, I knew what to expect (a lot of drinking) and I wasn't jet lagged. We spent four days and nights in paradise partying and doing lots of "team building excercises." It was a blast and there are too many stories to recount so I'll try to list a few.

- at one point my friend and coworker decided to rent a cock from a local filipino. He proceeded to throw his cock on everyone as they were trying to sleep at 7am. He videotaped it all so we'll have the memories forever. Here's a picture:

Copy Rolex the Cock

- I partook in the 15 shot challenge like last year...this time I do not remember it as well. I'm not in as good of drinking shape I guess. I know that you get to write something down on a plaque at the end and I was too drunk to write. Luckily my manager and editor managed to write "tackling 15 shots the Koranda way" for me.

We got tshirts for doing the 15 Shots

- I did what I swore I would never do and I tried balut, which is basically a duck fetus crossed with a hard boiled egg. It was not as bad as I thought it would be but not good in any way, shape, or form.

Balut - hard boiled duck fetus - really hard to eat when you are massively hungover

I'm sure I'm missing a lot of other good stuff but that's all I can remember at this point. Now I'm in Vienna and wishing I was back in warm weather. I would eat 30 duck fetuses to get back there...The end.

Kuala Lumpur - The Baby Pool

View looking at KL from the radio tower

Before we left for KL from HK I read that KL is a "baby pool" for Southeast Asia. It's clean, easy to get to from the airport to the center, people speak English, and people don't rip you off...too badly. This is a very accurate assessment of KL. My friend who lived in Singapore for 4 months last year said that it reminded him of it.

KL is famous for the Petronas Towers which are basically at the center of the city. We stayed in a really nice hotel which was about a 5 or 10 minute walk from the Towers in the "Golden Triangle" area of KL. I think it was a 4 or 5 star hotel and it was probably the cheapest place we stayed in the entire trip.

There isn't a lot to say about KL since there isn't really much to see other than the towers and some place called the Batu Caves. The towers are cool to look at but going up in them is not really great. It's free but you have to watch some 8 minute propaganda video from the Petronas company (Malaysia's largest oil and gas company). If you ever go there I would suggest going up the radio tower a few kilometers from the towers. You get a good view of the whole city including the towers.

Fuckload of steps leading to the Batu Caves

The Batu Caves are basically some caves a few kilometers from the city center. There are a lot of steps leading up to them and some big statue that has something to do with Buddhism. It took us about 20 minutes to walk through and see everything. The highlight was obviously the dirty monkeys running around trying to get their dirty monkey hands on bags of peanuts from tourists.

Dirty ass monkey eating peanuts

Nightlife in KL is kind of weak but we were only there during weekdays so maybe it's sweet on the weekends. We spent three nights there and two out of the three nights we went to this club called Zouk. The first night we went there was ghetto hip hop night. We didn't discover this until after the fact so for about 24 hours I thought all Malaysians like to go out to clubs, not drink anything but redbull, dance like Michael Jackson, and get into lots of dance offs. Anyway, we met some girls at Zouk the first night that we (affectionately) dubbed ZG and ZS, standing for Zouk Gook and Zouk Spook. You can guess what they looked like. They were both really into dancing and were doing crazy ghetto dance moves all night. ZS took a liking to Colonel and they have a facebook relationship to this day.

The last night we were there we went back to Zouk and hung out with some different girls. We affectionately labeled one of them DSM (The first letter stands for "Downs") and the other Moonpie face. A lot of whiskey was consumed (I think two bottles or so) and fun was had until the break of dawn. I'm not going into details. We left for the airport at 7 am for our flight to Manila with no sleep.